Our First Christmas

Our first Christmas without Melody was incredibly difficult since we never had a first Christmas with her her here on Earth.  I longed to hold her in my arms with a cute little "red velvet" dress.  I wanted her to experience the love and joy associated with Christmas.  It was the death of a dream to celebrate the birth of Christ...with my daughter. I struggled with what to do on this "first" Christmas...all the options were difficult for me. This would also be the first Christmas since the death of my grandmother "Mae-Mae".  We celebrated Christmas at her house almost every year with only a few exceptions...some were the times she and my grandfather took the entire family on a cruise for Christmas so we could all be together as a "big" family. The family tradition lost in addition to the loss of my daughter... made Christmas seem like an impossible feat. 

This year would be different...what to do? We choose to go to my mom's house and I planned some special things to help me get through the day.

1. I bought a little gift from Melody for almost everyone. A little angel ornament or plate or sometimes just a small token gift which was from her.  Some of my family probably thought I was crazy, but I needed to recognize her existence and do what I would have done especially for grandparents and close family members.  She would have given everyone a gift.

2.  I decorated a special "Melody tree" in pink and white and little angels and snowflakes. It somehow made me feel closer to her.  I enjoyed her little tree more than the traditional tree.

I later took her "Christmas tree and made it a seasonal tree and decorated for special occasions and seasons. This was especially meaningful to me in the first year of her loss.

3. I planned a BALLOON Release in honor of Melody and others who have gone to heaven.  I bought a a couple of helium tanks, balloons and seeds.  Everyone in the family sent balloons to heaven ..to loved ones they choose to remember, as many as one wanted to do. We each wrote "love" notes and placed them in the balloon or wrote on the balloon and we also put seeds in the balloon.  This was a symbolic way of saying something to one we were missing, just to take the edge off the pain in our hearts. We all had someone or ones we were missing and of coarse for myself, it was not only my precious Melody but also my grandparents and my sister. 

When my husband asked me what I wanted most for Christmas ...I requested a necklace pendant with amethyst (Melody's birthstone).  I wanted something that I could wear to symbolically keep her close to my heart.  My husband bought me the most beautiful purple heart and 2 butterflies.  I always wear this same pendant no matter what I am wearing.  The few days I tried to do some thing else...it just did not feel right.

Somehow the necklace just makes Melody feel closer to my heart!!

I receive compliments at least weekly..sometimes I choose to tell a little about her and other times ...just a simple thank you.

Christmas will never be the same as the past...the things I did only eased the pain a little and helped me to be able to "remember" my daughter.  Since I planned some specific activities this allowed me a little bit of control over portions of the day.  Tears were certainly shed several times but were certainly expected. 

The "normal" parts of Christmas with gift giving, family visiting and eating the "Big meal" are not even remembered.  They seemed to have lost the usual importance and focus in the scheme of things. I was in such a "fog" essentially going through the motions Christmas...but not really being there in mind. I could only think about my precious "Melody" which I did not have.

I did find comfort in knowing that God sent his son Jesus to be born in a manager on Christmas...I reflected on the "gift of Jesus" and how this little babe ultimately saves my life from destruction.